Where I wish I could be right now...
Sometimes I tell myself that I would be better off talking to a therapist about the things going through my head. But then I tell myself that I already know what the therapist would say. It is not that I need to talk things out, I just need other things to fall into place.
This past week, I have been going through a lot of issues that seem all be weighing me down — jealousy issues, frustration issues, disappointment issues, anger issues, fear issues, etc…major reality check, in what seems like, all areas of my life. These issues are taking the forefront in my mind, and it is really bringing me down. It isn’t just related to Hannah’s condition, although it is a good-sized portion of it. It seems to encompass so many different areas in my life. Much of it also sprouts from our financial instability at this time.
I don’t do the “why me” thing. It is more of the “I just don’t get why it is that…” thing. Similar, probably. But not exactly…at least in my mind.
Admittedly, I am just not a happy person these days. Heck, I have not been a happy person for most of 2010. There are certain things that I hope that once Daddy finds a job and we have an income that is more than our expenses that other things will come into a better light. There are also certain things I know that I will never understand “why” or “how come.”
I’m in my early 40s now, and my life is passing me by. I want to start to have fun again. I want to want to feel like a woman again (because right now, I am last on my list). I want to have some freedom to do the things that I love to do – scrapbooking, theatre, going to events. I want to have a job that I am truly passionate about and love to do, not one that I have to accept because we need the money. I want to have some sense of normalcy in my life. I want to not dwell and get depressed on why certain people are the way they are.
I want to be a better mom, better wife, better friend…a better me.
I want to be happy again.
I keep telling myself I need to “get over it” and move forward. But I feel hopelessly stuck — There are just too many things I need to work on. I feel like there are just too many strikes against me — some I brought on myself, some brought on from the outside. I know better too — but it is almost as if there are too many things to try and change that I don’t know where to start, so I do nothing.
I need life to cut me a break and give me some hope. Give me some good news that will help get our family back on track. Something that feels as if we are going in a positive direction finally.
I just need some help getting those first steps taken so I can move forward.
Oh Sweetie….. My heart is breaking for you. Definitely NOT pity. But you have carried around so much for so long and even though you have strong shoulders and a big heart, it’s just too much.
You are definitely due some good news and some good luck…. and some time to devote to yourself.
You feel overwhelmed but just pick one thing. Make one of the changes. Just one baby step. Go from there.
Sending you hugs and prayers and I’m still your best cheerleader!
Let’s actually talk soon!
Carrie you are a strong woman and I really admire you. I know how you feel the only thing I want you to remember is that everyone has a cross to carry!!!
You went through rough times but you have to believe that there will be better days for you…I miss talking to you! Take it easy girl you are doing fine and you know what? It’s better to take everything out of your chest because you have people that they love you and care for you all.
Lots of kisses to you stay strong..
I am praying that life cuts you a break. Sometimes it seems impossible to understand why things are going this way in our lives. My older brother was diagnosed with a very rare form of testicular cancer ( when he was in utero one of his testicular cells stayed in his chest and eventually turned into cancer ) when he was nineteen. He battled it and eventually went into remission when he was twenty one. I always thought that since he had faced that and dedicated his life to helping others ( he was a social worker ) nothing bad could ever happen to him. Unfortunately, we lost him in April of this year ( He was thirty one ) Then one month after his death, I found out that my dear friend had stage 4 breast cancer ( She is 28 years old ) and that my father-in-law has prostate cancer. These last four months have been the hardest I have ever known and I battle everyday to understand why things are happening this way. I am afraid to complain because I feel like if I do, things will get worse ( which I have learned, unfortunately, they still can! ) I am not saying this to depress you or to complain but just to let you know that I understand where you are coming from. I hope that life starts sending you the good stuff and I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers daily. I am believing for you that this year will turn around; that your husband will get a job that will provide financial security and that you will have a peaceful time in your life that will allow you to enjoy the things that make you feel more like a woman. Never doubt that you are an amazing wife and mother because you are! I read your blog faithfully and I know that you are a hero and champion for all of your kids!!! My brother Jonathan ( the one who just passed ) always used to tell me that life is a masterpiece we are just too close to it to be able to see the finished product yet! Your life is a masterpiece of love, devotion, kindness, hard work, family, friends, advocacy, and so much more. May God Bleas you!!!
Best of luck on the road to being trach free. I hope my daughter and I get there someday too. PS..I think you are one of my facebook friends, I just figured that out.
This is not easy to write, but as one mother of a medically fragile child to another—you should take some time off for YOU. If you have a chance, take a night off to see a movie, eat at a nice restaurant or go to a spa for a few hours. Its what every mom needs, but especially moms like us who are constantly worried about our children’s health, medications and futures. Don’t feel guilty, taking a few hours to recharge doesn’t hurt our kids and you will feel better.
Carrie,
My heart is just breaking for you and I wish I could take away all the sadness you are feeling. You have been such a strong person throughout everything that has gone on especially the past few months with Hannah being hospitalized for so long in Texas. That alone had taken so much out of you and you stood strong through it.
Its understandable that you are feeling so down and lost right now what with your house not yet sold and Bobby not having a job yet and your finances are just being drained. My God, it doesnt matter how strong you are , you are definetly gonna break at some point and ask yourself “WHY”?? Theres nothing wrong with venting , venting is good. Keeping it all in is bad!
You need to take sometime to yourself Carrie. Now that you are in Vegas, near family and while you still have a nurse “TAKE ADVANTAGE”! Go to the mall , go to a movie, have lunch outside with your hubby, take a long stroll in the park TAKE SOMETIME FOR YOU! and dont ever feel guilty about it, I know its easier said than done but do it. Like Sange said “TAKE A FEW HOURS TO RECHARGE” you need that.
Take care of yourself Carrie, stay strong and good luck with tomorrows appointment!
Our prayers are always with you and yours.
Love you, Susan
Hope you are feeling better. My thoughts are with you. Best, M
You know, Carrie, that I admire you so much for the way you take things what has been handed to you and deal with it so gracefully. I will never know what it is like to walk in your shoes, so it would be easy to agree and tell you to just get out and do something for yourself, but it may not be so easily done. I hope you can find time for one of the “little” things that help you feel more like a woman- more pampered and peaceful!