Finding Innocence

Today was rough, really rough.

After only about a 4-hour sleep, Daddy and I left for our meeting with the cemetery director.  We had our heart set on having Hannah in the jewish part of the cemetery, so that was our game plan.

The director was incredibly sweet and compassionate.  She walked us around the reformed section of their grounds first.  It was beautiful but very quiet, very solemn.  Looking at the markers, they were all older people – probably grandparents, great-grandparents, and even some parents.  But no kids.  Then we saw the infant section of this part of the grounds.

But Hannah isn’t an infant, so therefore she would have to be laid in an adult-sized space.

She then took us to the jewish part of the main cemetery.  It had more trees, some bench markers scattered around, and it seemed to be more public (more people around).  Very pretty, just like a park.

She showed us what few spots were available, and it was like a maze trying to figure it out from the list of “inventory.”  I looked at some of the spots, trying to find some connection with what would be a neighbor.  I even found an elderly couple whose last name was the same as my maiden name but just spelled differently.  There was a space empty near them, but it turned out it was saved for another pre-need customer.

After 90 minutes of walking around both areas, I felt really defeated.  There was nothing that called out to me as a place I wanted Hannah to be, a place I felt I could come and feel peace when I would come visit.   I couldn’t find any connections, any pull.  I didn’t want to just to resort to what was available, but I felt that was where we were headed.

Then the director mentioned the Children’s Garden, the Garden of Innocence.   It was non-denominational (which is why she didn’t mention it), and it was only for infants and young children.

Daddy and I both longed to see it.

We walked across the cemetery grounds to the other side where the “Garden of Innocence” was located.  There were tons of flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals all over the place.  The spaces were smaller, and there was a mix of newborns, infants, and young kids.   Some of the markers had pictures, and the kids there were so young, so beautiful.

Daddy and I both felt the connection to this area.  We both decided that we wanted Hannah to be with other kids, other fighters like her.  There was such a vibrancy to this area, the colors of all the flowers and balloons.   Knowing that people come to visit this area more regularly.

What cinched it for me was a family that was visiting their son’s grave.  They were putting a fall thanksgiving craft scarecrow in the vase along with some flowers.   They had a little boy, probably around Hannah’s age, running through the cemetery looking at all the balloons and flowers.

That little boy brought life to the area.  This was the place we wanted for Hannah.

Once we made this decision, it was easier to do the rest of the process.  We found a beautiful spot towards the middle of the garden, right next to a little girl who recently passed away.   This space was surrounded by other children, even a 5-year-old girl who apparently loved Disney Princesses and Precious Moments.

After we picked the space, we went back to the office to do the paperwork.  It became more real there, having to choose what type of casket we wanted (traditional pine box, jewish tradition), which chapel we wanted (we took the larger one), type of granite for the marker, and a few other things.  Some of them just seemed so…I just didn’t like to hear some of the items on the list for the contract because I don’t want to think of that part of things right now.

The beginning arrangements are done.

Next thing that we need to have done is to put together a 5-minute-ish video presentation (if we want), get a photograph for the service blown-up to a poster, and we want to find a fun and bright Minnie Mouse blanket to place over the casket during the ceremony since it is just a pine box.

But again, the beginning stuff is done.  I’m so relieved that part is over.