I look at the date, and it has been only 4 days since we lost our baby girl. Why does it seem so much longer?! I miss her so much.
We have starting cleaning out and throwing away things.
It was so important for me to get rid of all the medical equipment because, to me, that was the one memory that I didn’t need to keep. All of that equipment, which ended up filling 10 feet of hallway space when piled together, reminded me of how Gaucher Disease destroyed my baby girl and took her away from me.
All the meds are gone and dumped. The bed that was in the living room is now moved out. The pounds of equipment like the oxygen, suction, humidifier, nebulizer, and smart vest have been picked up by the med equipment company. The syringes, extra traches, g-tube formula and supplies…the entire hallway closet filled with medical supplies is now gone. We donated all of it to our hospice for their use, and what they can’t use will be donated to Doctors without Borders.
It was a huge weight off my chest when the last of the equipment left the house. I couldn’t get it out of here soon enough, really.
But then the rest of the cleanup started. I still have the toys and clothes let to go through, and I just am not ready to do that.
Daddy and I realized that Hannah really didn’t have much. After all the medical stuff was gone, all that was left was a few dozen toys and stuffed animals. Once we moved to Vegas after her hospitalization last summer, she never had her own room again since she stayed in our room so I could take care of her at night. We have a few keepsakes here and there, but there really isn’t much.
It wasn’t until after all the medical stuff was out of here that it really hit me how medically involved her life was.
I am so thankful for the thousands of pictures and dozens of videos we took during the time she was with us. But even those aren’t enough to fill the emptiness I feel right now not being able to hold her, cuddle her, and run my fingers through her hair.
I miss you baby girl.
Sending you hugs. Hannah didn’t need much material possessions. She had this amazing and loving, dedicated family who were with her.
After Jake passed I can vividly remember one of the first things we did was to get rid of all his meds and all of those things. We moved all the adaptive equipment to our 3rd floor so that we could give it to others and donated back other medical things to his various doctor offices. It gave us some comfort to know that he wouldn’t be needing any of it anymore. As far as the other things, many of his clothes still hang in the closet he shared with his brother (also named Ethan). Ethan likes them there. We also had many of his t-shirts made into a quilt (after about 6 months) and we keep it on our couch and it does help us feel closer to him. Love and strength to you all.
Carrie, This is just a suggestion, but you might want to keep any clothes that she was wearing in pictures that are especially important ones to you. I know I treasure some of my daughter’s tiny clothes as I try to hold on to the memories, and I have her here with me. In short, I would not get rid of clothes and toys any time too soon. Keeping you in prayer.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)
We miss her too. Prayinf for your honey.
So sad for you. Wish I could be there to hug you. (((hugs)))
I just read about Hannah, thru a facebook post from a friend of mine. From a total stranger from San José, Costa Rica – please receive all my love and prayers. I´ll be thinking of you and your family!