We have had a crazy nonstop weekend. Started first thing Friday and didn’t stop until about 10 pm last night when we got home and rushed the kids off to bed for school. It was all good things. Parties, shows, friends, etc.
Even made two trips to the cemetery to visit Hannah to redecorate her area. Out with the Valentine’s stuff, in with Spring.
And then last night after everyone went to sleep, I just broke down.
Guilt. So much guilt. Guilt because we would have never been able to have such a fast-paced weekend with Hannah’s needs. Guilt because her life supporting medical equipment doesn’t restrain our activities anymore.
Guilt because it was an easy and jam-packed weekend.
I don’t feel guilty because it was fun. I feel guilty because I know it wouldn’t have happened if things were different. And then the guilt turns to sadness because in my heart I would gladly give up these fun, pick-up-and-go days, just to be home with her.
I didn’t like the lifestyle that Gaucher’s disease caused us to live in, especially her last year. But I LOVED my life with Hannah to that last minute I got to hold her when she passed away. I would gladly take back that lifestyle just to have her back in my life.
Then it hit me last night. The price of freedom from that medically-constrained life was having to lose Hannah.
Can I turn this freedom in for a refund and get my Hannah back?!
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