Remembering…

During these past few weeks, I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster, a journey of self-discovery and self-awakening which all seemed to hit me as we finally made it back home after two weeks of crazy travelling.

For the past year and a half, since I found out I was pregnant, I have felt somewhat disconnected from myself.  It all seemed to pile on top of each other – finding out I was pregnant at 9 weeks after 10+ years of infertility and multiple miscarriages and 4 IVfs among other things, developing pregnancy-induced hypertension at 28 weeks, and then strict bedrest at 29 weeks.  I spent all last summer in bed, only allowed to pick my kids up at camp and to come down for meals.  Then, the “we are doing it now” moment at 36w1d when my blood pressure was just too high, even on the mega doses of BP medications which made me so ill that I ended up sleeping almost 14 hours a day.  I remember asking my OBGYN, do I have time to pack some things?  He gave me 5 hours before I had to come back to the hospital.

Hannah’s entrance was effortless.  A 5-minute CSection without complications.  Apgars 8/9.  She took my breath away.  I remember seeing her for the first time when I was rolled into the recovery area, and I kept saying “Is she really mine?  Is this for real?”

We had about two days of bliss with our new baby girl until all hell broke loose, and things haven’t been the same since…

This past year has been such a whirlwind, almost a blur.  I would have never imagined that I would be thrown into this world

• a world where my daughter’s life is being threatened before she even has a chance to “be” a child
• a world where I would be emailing with researchers and doctors all over the world, trying to learn everything and anything I can about what Hannah’s body is doing to her and what can be done
• a world where previous relationships are unknowingly tested and true colors of people are shown
• a world where the death of a young child is, well, seen more often than a mom should have to experience
• a world where new relationships are formed that are stronger, deeper, and more meaningful than many existing relationships because there is a unique bond, a bond of a child’s life being threatened or taken away

I could have never have imagined this life in my wildest dreams…yet, here I am.