This Christmas

It is 2 am. I just finished Hannah’s overnight feeding and put on her humidified trach collar. Then I went into the hallway and looked over our ledge upstairs to our family room below. It is overflowing with Santa presents. We really overdid it this year with the gifts, especially for Ethan and Abigail. Let me rephrase that…SANTA overdid it this year. (Yes, Ethan and Abby still both believe in Santa still!)

A lot of these gifts are ‘guilt’ gifts.

I had a very fun and  enjoyable Christmas Eve with Daddy and all three kids tonight. We baked brownies, had a delicious Christmas dinner, and spent time all together in the family room.

Even so, I couldn’t help snuggling closer to Hannah as much as I could. I kept having these horrible thoughts in my head about wondering what next Christmas may look like for us? How much I wish I could change Hannah’s prognosis.

I don’t want Hannah taken away from me. I don’t want to spend next Christmas without her or the Christmas after that or the ones after those. I don’t want Hannah’s condition to worsen any more than it already has.

I know Christmas is a tell of celebration and happiness. But as happy as I should be because she is still here this Christmas, I am scared to death about what next Christmas may hold for us. I know how horrible it would be for me and Daddy, but I don’t even want to think about how it would scar Ethan and Abigail.

So I the ‘guilt’ presents are just that. I want Ethan and Abigail to remember this Christmas with lots of love, baking, playtime as a family of 5. I want to have them spoiled rotten today because Hannah is as good as she will ever be (unless the miracle we pray for comes through), and they love playing and interacting with her, and she loves smiling and playing with them.

In just a few hours, Ethan and Abigail will be running to the ledge and see the presents and be horribly anxious to get downstairs. We will all wake up, and then the present unwrapping will begin. What will make it even more special is that, like last year, they will be even more excited opening up presents for Hannah and sharing them with her, because they love her just so much.

Dear God, please give us another Christmas together. I beg of you…