Trying not to dwell…

The last couple of days have been pretty emotional for me.

Our nurse had left early on Monday, so I spent Monday afternoon cuddling with my Little Miss Hannah.  I didn’t mind one bit.   Then I was watching the Oprah farewell surprise show, and when Rascal Flatts came on to perform their song “I Won’t Let Go,” I found myself bawling.

When I first heard this song months ago, I had always felt a huge connection to this song.  Almost as if it is my promise to Hannah that I will always fight for her, even when she is tired of fighting.

Daddy and I both have seen a pretty drastic deterioration of Hannah’s condition in the past few months.   She doesn’t crawl anymore.  She can’t control her hand movements enough to even work the special needs apps on her iPad.   Her strength and tone has significantly deteriorated to the point where she only feels “safe” lying on the floor or being cuddled.  She doesn’t feel very comfortable even sitting in her therapy chair these days.

She is just so very weak these days.  I don’t know what is causing all of this.   Since the decrease in Klonopin, we have seen Hannah become more alert and smile more, which is wonderful.   But she has no energy or confidence to do any type of activity anymore.

It is heartbreaking to see my little girl like this.   I have been having horrible thoughts about the “what if’s” lately, and it scares me to death.

I’m trying not to dwell on this and enjoy every day with her.  I am so thankful that I can still make her smile, grin huge, and just give her all the love that makes her happy.

I am just scared of what the future is going to hold for her…for us.