I couldn’t handle Halloween this year, apparently.
I didn’t realize this until two days ago when we took Ethan, Abby, and my nephew and two nieces to a big Halloween event here in town. When Daddy and I were walking, keeping tabs on Ethan and Abby, it hit me that this is our first event that Hannah hasn’t joined us on. And then I found my thoughts drifting to the fact that Hannah will likely never be able to go to another event like this…ever.
It made me feel so uncomfortable. I put on a good face for Ethan and Abby because I really wanted them to have a good time, which they did. I had to step back for a bit towards the end just because my heart was hurting so bad, and I didn’t want them to see it. It worked out because they shopped with their grandparents and cousins while I stood on the other side of the store.
All these thoughts just came rushing to me at that point… losing Hannah, realizing that from now on that most events will only be Abby and Ethan and no more Hannah with us (even if she is still with us, it is just not feasible to do events like that one with her). Even if we did take her out in her current condition, she would not get anything out of it and would likely be very uncomfortable and would need to be resedated at some point since we are still not under control fully yet.
We also didn’t get Hannah a costume this year either. I just didn’t feel right dressing her up just for my sake. She loved her Minnie Mouse costume last year, and she had so many smiles while she was wearing it. She knew she was Minnie Mouse. This year, I just felt horrible because it was a tough fight in my head deciding whether or not to do it. I just don’t want to go through those motions with her – I think it would make me more depressed knowing she wouldn’t be enjoying it or even aware of it.
So it was easier to just boycott the holiday.
Ethan and Abby had a great time with Daddy and their cousins, so they really had no idea how I was feeling. Someone had to stay home with Hannah, which they knew, so it made sense that it was me.
It just hit me that we have the even bigger holidays coming up – Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas…. how am I going to get through these holidays?!
Then last night, I just had no desire to go trick or treating with the kids. Daddy took the kids out while I stayed home with Hannah. I didn’t even answer the doorbell when the trick or treaters came to the door.
I just had no desire whatsoever to participate this year. None.
I wish I could hug you in person right now.
Carrie,
As painful as it is, it seems to me you are doing things well. You are pushing yourself a little bit to make sure that Ethan and Abby are parented, but you are also in tune with your real feelings. I think about you several times a day. Prayers offered up for you all.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)
Dear Carrie,
The struggles you face daily are just incredible and the decisions you make are so loving and caring for your Hannah and family. The Lord knew when He put Hannah in your care that you’d do the best for her….what a special Mommy for a special Daughter.
Prayers,
Ginger
Sending hugs and prayers. I’m sorry that I can’t carry some of the pain for you. I’m thankful that you have Ethan and Abby to pull you out of yourself a little. Smooch Hannah for me. Love you.
Some hugs from me too.
🙁 I’m sorry Carrie….. (((hugs))) I wish with all my heart there was something I could do or say that would make things easier for you….
That is so heartbreaking, Carrie. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. It’s just not fair…sending you strength. Jobyna sends kisses xxx
Sometimes you do things to protect your heart! It may seem anti-social, but it is Carrie-centric–a very good way to ease your sadness during this time. Hannah gets more out of your presence with her than in a holiday. Follow those instincts and know how much we love ya and are praying for you!!
Dear Carrie,
You’ll get through the holidays for Ethan and Abby – it might take a while, and you’ll be faking it for a while… But they will help you. Trust them and daddy, together you’ll pull through. For now though, spend the tim you need with Hannah, you two ned eachother right now. Hugs and prayers from me.
Hi Carrie, Your feelings are normal and understandable…You are going through a difficult time and our prayers are with you. You did the right things trying to make it as normal for the others as possible but don’t forget to take care of yourself… You and your family are loved… take care…
Dear Carrie,
You’ll get through the holidays for Ethan and Abby – it might take a while, and you’ll be faking it for a while… But they will help you. Trust them and daddy, together you’ll pull through. For now though, spend the tim you need with Hannah, you two ned eachother right now. Hugs and prayers from me.
+1
I recently started a blog and was thinking about my Gaucher’s Disease. I decided to see if anyone was blogging about it. Hannah’s story came up in google search. My heart really goes out to you and your family and to little Hannah. I just wanted to pray for the Lord’s blessing upon you guys for comfort and peace. God bless.