Candle lit in honor of my Hannah from a friend who couldn't make her service.
Today is my first day alone since Hannah passed away 9 days ago. Has it really already been 9 days? I look at the calendar, and it says the 13th. Has it really been that long since I have been able to hold my baby girl in my arms?
Daddy went back to work yesterday, and Ethan went back to school yesterday as well. Abby was having a really rough day yesterday, so she stayed home with me and spent time with me and my friend who came to town. She ended up spending the night here last night because she missed her flight, and I have to admit that I was grateful for more time with her because she let’s me just be real, no matter what I am feeling.
It was a good day yesterday. My friend, Abby, and I went to visit Hannah at the cemetery to check on her, make sure she was safe, make sure her temporary marker was there. Honestly, I just needed to be there with her.
It was very cold yesterday, and the rain was threatening to come down the entire day. When we were at the cemetery and came up to visit Hannah’s, you know, I started talking to her, and the weirdest thing happened. A gust of wind blew really hard, and these leaves from the tree near Hannah started showering all over me…just me. Not Abby, not my friend, no where else. Just on me. It was as if Hannah was giving me a sign that she was there, excited to see me. Then the wind was gone. Until we got ready to leave. As we were walking away, another gust of wind blew really hard, showering leaves from that tree all over the three of us.
Right now, I have candles burning in the living room with me. We haven’t been able to use candles for many months because of Hannah’s oxygen. But now I have a lavender candle and her Shiva (memorial) candle burning. I have always loved candles, and now there is a bit of guilt because I feel so much better having them burning around me, but the only way for me to be able to do this means that Hannah had to leave me.
I hate Gaucher’s Disease. I hate what it did to my family, what it took away from me. Gaucher’s disease destroyed my little Hannah’s life. I wish I could put it on a punching bag and punch the crap out of it. I’m hardly a violent person, but I would make an exception in this case. I hate that Gaucher’s is such a cruel and debilitating disease. I hate that it showed absolutely no mercy even at the very end.
Gaucher’s disease never gave Hannah a break, no matter how hard she tried. And she did…she tried so incredibly hard to fight against it. And even during her constant fight, she always had a smile on her face up until the last few months when her body was just so tired of fighting that she couldn’t smile anymore.
I wish more than anything she was here so I could feel her, smell her, just be with her. I miss her. Gosh, do I miss her.
Gaucher’s disease destroyed her body. It did. There is no way to sugarcoat it. But it failed in destroying her spirit. Because in my heart I believe I felt her spirit in those gusts of wind when I visited her, and I feel her spirit in the flickering flames of the candles next to me.
Reality is…between memories, a few clothes and toys, and the flickering flames…that is all that I have left of my Hannah at this moment.
You have her forever in your heart. {{hugs}}
She lives on in the hearts of many, many people.. in your memories and in the work that we’ll accomplish thru the LMHF.
Be gentle with yourself.
I believe that Hannah sent you a message that she was there with you and tust me she will visit you again,I know. Just don’t be hard on yourself. She is around you she watches you and she knows what a great mom you are and will always be.
I hope your day alone goes well. I know it must be extremely hard to just be alone after all this time. You so rarely were alone when Hannah was alive. You and your family (especially Abby for some reason) weigh heavy on my heart. I wish more than anything this holiday season you could all have some peace in your souls. I so wish you all did not have to suffer in this way.
Oh, Carrie, I’m so very sorry that you lost your sweet Hannah. What a battle she fought! You must be very proud of your little girl–that she fought so valiantly and your family stayed so strong throughout. What love you all shared! What a family! Hannah was so very lucky to have you all to be her family.
I wish you all peace now. Peace so that you can know she isn’t hurting anymore and peace so that you can sleep knowing that she is God’s arms. I am sending love and prayers for you all during this very difficult time in your life.
I’m glad you had a good day and that you feel Hannah near. She rests in your heart and in your love. One day at a time, honey…