We decorated Hannah's grave for both Hanukkah and Christmas. When we came back to visit a couple of days later, we noticed a Minnie Mouse had appeared! We have no idea who brought it, but it warmed our heart tremendously.
I’m still having a terribly hard time getting into the holiday spirit. I’m going through the motions, but I just am not feeling it. I want to feel it, I really do.
This past week has actually been harder than the week before. I think that it is now really sinking in more and more that Hannah is gone, and I can’t get her back no matter how much I want her.
And I do want her. Horribly. I find myself more mopey around the house, and being under the weather hasn’t helped much either. I long constantly for her touch, her smile. I feel so incredibly lost without having our cuddle time every day, many times a day.
I feel very cheated. Cheated because my baby girl was taken away from me. One of the most important things in my life was ruthlessly ripped away from me, and I am angry. And sad. And pissed. And crushed. And lost.
Hopelessly lost. Hopelessly, hopelessly lost.
I’m going through the motions right now. Still working on my masters degree in counseling (actually got an “A” in the class that just ended surprisingly), being mommy to Ethan and Abby who are home for the holidays (who are grieving at times, annoying each other constantly, and are dealing with a mom who just isn’t in the mood to do anything). I’m glad I have Hannah’s foundation to start to work on, but even that doesn’t always fill the emptiness I feel.
I just have to make it through the holidays. I told Daddy that if we could have afforded it, I would have probably whisked him and the kids away for that weekend and just ignore Christmas day. But that wouldn’t be fair… fair to Ethan and Abby, fair to our family, just wouldn’t be fair.
Hannah should be here with us. Bottom line. She should be here. But she isn’t.
How am I supposed to feel celebratory when I feel like my heart has shattered in a million pieces? But I will put on as brave of a face as possible for Ethan and Abby. Even though they have seen me have my mini breakdowns quite a few times, I will try and make their holiday a bit easier and not let them worry about me so much, at least for Christmas day.
Dear Carrie.
No words can describe how much I feel for you. I think of you and Hannah everyday. My little Bella often wear her ‘pink Hannah Minnie Mouse’ dress. I wish I could do something for you. Sending huge hugs from South Africa.
Cathy
Hurting for you. It’s incredibly unfair and painful to go right from the funeral into the holidays. Olivia and I were talking about this the other day. She asked how your family was doing, and that led into her talking about heaven, her brothers and Hannah. She has decided that Bennett and Arthur have been helping Hannah find her way around Heaven, and that they are now close
friends, because you and I are. <3 Apparently there is a hockey game being played and she thinks Hannah is skating fast all over the ice.
One day at a time, my friend. Just concentrate on getting through today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. When you break it down into 24-hour chunks, the business of living with grief becomes a bit more manageable.
Dear Carrie ~ Still keeping you and your family in thoughts and prayers. Your tribute to little Hannah is beautiful…one that will remain in my heart forever. I know your heart is breaking without her. I think you are very special to continue Hannah’s Legacy and the world will be blessed by your work to help families such as yours. I personally thank you for being able to carry on for such a worthwhile cause since we never know who or when the beasts of these diseases will hit. Just remember that grief has no time frame and it may knock you off your feet when you least expect it. I always use those moments to remind me of how much I miss my daughter, and that even though life seems to go on day after day, that life ISN’T the same no matter how much time may pass.
Take care Special Mommy…..God knew you were best for Hannah…..Hannah knows too.
Ginger
We were in Phoenix for Christmas with my parents. Monday we spent another holiday with my mother’s sister. I wore the pink sweater I bought to wear to Hannah’s service, but didn’t get to because of car trouble. I thought of her and her dear family when I put it on. After dinner we went to my uncle’s grave. I saw so many graves of children and thought again of your terrible loss of such a precious, lovely child. Your words are always so poignant. They bring tears to my eyes. You all are in my prayers as you live on with such sadness deep in your souls.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)