Newly found pic of Hannah, 12 months old
I received a CD recently of pictures that were taken at Hannah’s first birthday party in Texas.
It was so exciting seeing these new pictures of Hannah, as I had never seen them before. Also, the friend who took them is an amazing photographer so they really were just beautiful (like the one on the left). She really captured some of Hannah’s adorable mannerisms she had at that age, some that had slipped from my memory but are now back in my heart.
I realized that now that there are only a finite number of pictures and videos of Hannah out there. There will never be another new picture taken, another video captured…Every picture and video of Hannah that will ever be taken has already been taken.
Makes me sad. I feel like I’m on a mission to find every single picture or video ever taken of her. I want to be able to have every one that is out there. I know it isn’t realistic.
Sometimes memories fade. They disappear without us even realizing it. I have very few pics of me when I was younger, and I miss that now because I really don’t remember a lot of the little things we did in my family or friends growing up.
Maybe that is why I have taken hundreds of pics since we brought Ethan home. I don’t want my kids to forget any of the little things we did while they were young. They will have amazing stories to tell their children and grandchildren some day because their memories will be rekindled by these pictures.
My heart hurts because I can’t take anymore pics of one of my favorite subjects. I can only look through the pictures to see that adorable smile, the curls in her hair, the little birthmark on her leg. I took closeup pictures of her hands and face a couple of days before she passed because I wanted to be able to remember everything I could about her.
But pictures and videos will never fill the void I feel by not having her with me. Cuddling me. Smiling at me. Her huge grin when I sang “You Are My Sunshine” to her. Her smell, her touch, her warmth, her fingers…It is so bittersweet to look at the pictures and videos because they make me so happy to be able to see her again. Yet after I see the pics and videos, I get very sad because they are only pics and videos.
They aren’t her. I want her.
I know what you mean. I am so thankful for the hundreds of pictures we took of Gage. But that will never be enough. A few months ago, I was having such a hard time in my grief. (not that it’s ever easy, but this was exceptionally bad), and I decided to go through a bag from the hospital that just had misc. papers in it that we have shoved in there when we left the RMHouse for the last time. Most of it was insurance statements and just random crap. I noticed there was an envelope with a few pictures. The first few I have seen a thousand times because they are from the day he was born. But then, in the back, were 3 pictures of me and Gage I had NEVER seen. I felt like my heart was bursting at the seems. Not only were there pictures of Gage…they were of me holding him. Of course I cried, but I was so happy to see these pictures. I am so glad you were able to find these pictures of beautiful Hannah.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I can only imagine the longing, and I’m so sorry.
More hugs here.