It has been a really rough couple of days.
Well, it hasn’t been like an all day thing, but I have had my moments of major breakdowns. I mean, be pissy at everyone, crawl into bed, and just bawl breakdowns.
It started Thursday when I made the decision that I was finally strong enough to go through Hannah’s piles of clothes in the closet. A wonderful woman has offered to create a quilt out of my favorite outfits, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to go through them all.
I got so far as to pulling out one stack of clothes and putting them on the couch. Then, I just stood there looking at them. I felt my chest tighten and then the tears started. Out of nowhere, I just didn’t expect it to happen! I grabbed the clothes and threw them back onto the shelf in the closet they came out of and closed the closet door.
Why is it so hard to go through her clothes? I have been able to go through everything of hers and all that is left are her stuffed animals (already gone through first round), some toys (already donated most), and all her clothes.
And then today. I just felt incredibly mopey all day long. There were moments I was more, I guess, upbeat when I went grocery shopping with Daddy and had good conversations with a few people about helping out with our Little Miss Hannah Foundation.
I always put on a strong, brave face when talking about Hannah with friends or with people regarding the foundation because it is just an easier conversation if I try and distance myself a bit. It is just much easier.
But then after the last phone call today, we had dinner. I was so not in the mood for conversation with Daddy and the kids. Then after dinner, it seemed like everything the kids did just got on my last nerve, and I just was ready to go ballistic. In hindsight, it wasn’t really their fault, nothing out of the ordinary. But at the time, my head started pounding and I was really going to explode.
Instead, I left them all in the family room to go to my bedroom, crawled into bed under the covers, and I just lost it. The tears just flowed, and this time I just let them. Seeing her clothes, even for those few moments, was just so overwhelming. It brought up to the surface how much I miss my baby girl. I mean, incredibly, heart hurting, heavy chest breathing, missing.
I would give anything for just a few more moments with her. Anything.
Anything.
The clothes are going to have to wait…I just can’t deal with it right now.
Quit pushing yourself so hard. The clothes don’t need sorted now. Give yourself a break. You have been in perpetual motion for a long time. It’s ok to sit back and breathe and grieve. Love you.
What Mel said.
Carrie,
Grieving is exactly what you need to let yourself do. Your hurt goes very, very deep and it is real. The quilt sounds like something very wonderful to have and to hold close. You will feel stronger another time, more like selecting those that you want to include. I am thankful for that lady who is willing to make it for you. It will be special just like you and like Hannah.
Somthing you will cherish.
You are in my prayers…..
Clothes are HARD – so personal. I just wanted to give you a hug! Thinking of you and sending good thoughts.