The Wind is Messing With Me

They have this sign all around the cemetery saying that anything not left in a vase will be “discarded.”  I get it, it is their rules.   We knew about that rule when we first made arrangements.

But since Hannah was laid to rest and through the holidays, it looked like that rule, especially around the children’s area, was overlooked.  There were amazing decorations, most within reason, and only a few that were just, well, crowding their neighbors.

Hannah had her two vases, her big Minnie and a medium Minnie from two still-yet-to-have-been-found-out visitors.   She also had her three little Minnie and Mickey figurines from her 3rd birthday cake that her grandparents left for her.

I go and visit Hannah a couple of times a week.   The space next to her on the side is empty, so I sit down next to her.  Sometimes I talk to her.  Sometimes I just sit there taking in the peacefulness and not saying a word.

Even though I know that is just her physical being there, it still has a strong attachment for me.  Stronger than I wish to admit sometimes.  It is like that same feeling I had when she was in her casket before the funeral.  She is just so close.  I just can’t touch her, but she is right there, just a little bit away from me.

I went and visited her this previous Wednesday while Abby was at her volleyball practice.  I was feeling a bit guilty because it had been almost a week since I had been there last.  It was just a quick visit, but I always like to make sure that her vases (which are temporary until we get her real ones next month) are upright and things aren’t being blown around.

I went back a couple of days later because I was at an appointment just down the street, and I was completely crushed when I saw that Hannah’s Minnie Mouses and little figurines were gone!   I looked around to see if the wind has blown them away, but then I noticed that her figurines were placed inside her vase.

Then, I looked around at the other children’s graves, and I realized that it happened…they cleaned up anything not in vases and “discarded” them.

Yep, I was disappointed.  Even though I knew those were the rules, I just thought it was overlooked.  I had wished I had taken those Minnie Mouses with me had I known!

Then the great wind storm of Vegas hit on Saturday.  It was crazy!   Huge trees falling into the street, our patio umbrella cracked in half and almost destroyed our glass patio table.   We had an hour to kill before Abby’s volleyball game, so I suggested to Daddy that we go visit Hannah and grab her vases and figurines so they don’t get blown away.

The kids, Daddy, and I got there, and I am glad we did.  Things were flying around everywhere!   Hannah’s two vases had already toppled over in the wind, but I was glad that at least they were still there.  So we grabbed them and all the decorations that were previously in them and put them in the car to bring back later this week after the storms pass.

But this is where I get angry at myself.  I am bothered by the fact that Hannah now has nothing to decorate her grave!   Yes, even though it was my decision because I would have been more bothered that her decorations had been blown over or blown away, I was still bothered.

In my head it makes no sense.  My sane brain knows it really isn’t going to make that much of a difference if she is unadorned for a few days.

My insane grieving brain feels like this is the only remaining thing I can do to take care of her now.  Physically she is gone, I know that.  But having her grave “taken care of” and “Hannah-fied” makes me feel like I am still able to give her something.   My insane brain is feeling like I am letting her down.

But my sane brain knows better.  I wish it had more influence over my insane brain.