Rough, rough 36 hours or so.
I went to do the teacher’s meeting, and it was nice to see some familiar faces there, especially Ethan and Abby’s old teachers. But I just felt so uncomfortable and out of place there this time. I felt my arm start to shake from nerves — seriously? What the heck?! I felt like I was rambling, I felt disjointed, but most of all I just felt so lost without Hannah there. SHE is the reason people want to participate in things like this. Without her there, even though they knew the situation, I felt like a bumbling idiot. What is worse, I could even feel myself holding back and not wanting to break down when I started talking about her, which of course made me lose my train of thought and then again, the rambler appeared again.
What a mess. Thank goodness the staff at the school are such good-hearted and sweet people and knew our situation and story. If this had been a brand new school where I didn’t know anyone and trying to relay the importance of World Rare Disease Day…I likely would have failed. Crash and burn, baby.
The started off an entire wave of chaos in my head. After that meeting, I went to visit Hannah’s grave. I just sat down next to her and just started tearfully apologizing to her. She truly was my strength, and it is almost like when Hannah passed, my ability to strive and succeed went away with her a bit.
The one positive of that morning was we finally sent off our Little Miss Hannah Foundation incorporation papers to the state office. Once we get that approval, we will officially be a nonprofit corp. The next step will then be to work towards our 501c3 status. But that thrill was short lived.
The kids were home from school that day for a teacher’s work day, and I just felt overwhelmed. My masters schoolwork has been overwhelming me recently, and I had 3 discussion topics (like every week) and two major papers due this week. I got most of it done yesterday, but it was very begrudgingly done. The most important paper, due tonight which is the last night of this course, I just couldn’t get it started yesterday.
Instead I took the kids to the park to play. They had been so bored being cooped up, and I really had NO interest in going to the park. Reluctantly I agreed to take them, so off we went. They went off and played, and I just sat that on the picnic bench alone. No interest in playing with them. All I could think about was getting that reported started and finished. Then I got mad at myself for taking them for granted when I SHOULD be spending time with them and COULD be. I should have WANTED to play with them. Instead, no less than 45 minutes after we got there, I decided we needed to go back home because I was tired of beating myself up about it.
Fast forward to today…
Daddy was off to work out of the house, and the kids were at school. Woke up around 9 am, which is my norm since I usually don’t fall asleep until 2 or 3 am. I was all by myself. I don’t do well when I am all by myself apparently.
All I kept thinking was I HAVE to get this paper done today. Then when I saw the requirements for the first week of my next class (which starts tomorrow), it was the same thing. Three more weekly discussion questions and multiple individual and group assignments.
That’s when it happened. I think I had a minor panic attack. (Never had one really before). I just became so overwhelmed with everything all of a sudden that I just lost it. I sat on the couch for almost two hours just in tears. So many things rushing through my mind, and the physicality of all of it was just so uncomfortable. I kept running the list of things stressing me out in my head…school work, needing to get a job to make an income, setting up our foundation, spending FUN quality time with Ethan and Abby, reconnecting with Daddy on a non-medical caretaker level, and most importantly, missing Hannah like crazy.
A friend of mine made this comment to me today: “If you don’t have a few moments in your day when you can just be carefree, you will learn never break out of this misery.”
I don’t know how to do “carefree” anymore. She was right. I don’t have time in my days where I just spend quiet time doing something I want (playing on FB doesn’t count). I want to read books again, books that aren’t medical in nature or trying to educate me on something. I want to read thrilling, romantic, historical, just fun books again. I have not done that in YEARS, probably since we brought Abby home.
I want to scrapbook again. Digital scrapbooking is great, but I also want to break out the old scrapbooking supplies and do projects with Ethan and Abby. I want to do crafts again. I LOVED making crafts with the kids – painting, molds, coloring. Ethan and Abby both are so artistic in their core, so this would be fun.
I want to WANT to be healthy. I want to WANT to take care of myself better. I want to WANT to cook for my family again. I want to WANT it, but I just have no interest or energy to do it. Makes no sense, you know? It is just so low on my list of things to do right now, and I know that is wrong, but it is.
I’m so proud of working on the LMHF. So proud. It makes me feel really good working on this, knowing that I am creating a positive legacy for Hannah.
But tonight I just felt that something had to give…so I decided to take a leave of absence for a few months from my masters program. I just can’t deal with all the work and time commitment right now. I feel like a failure, and I will likely go back. I just can’t deal with it right now. It is just too much.
I need to learn how to have fun again, especially with Ethan and Abby. I’m not a fun mom. I have been a caretaking mom for so long, putting Hannah’s needs first, that I need to really change now. They tried to entertain themselves quite often during the past few years, and when they asked me to participate, 9 out of 10 times I didn’t. And now, it is home from school, homework, a bit of TV, dinner, showers, maybe some more TV, and then bed.
I need to be able to learn how to have those carefree moments again too. To do fun things just for me.
I know that a lot of it has to do with grief, and lastly the grief has just been so overwhelming. The more days that go by, the more I miss her. What I have also found recently, is that I find myself missing things about her in so many different ways as time goes on. Good memories, bad memories.
All I have of her are memories, and I NEED more than memories. I need her. I physically, heart-aching, need my Hannah back.
I am just so messed up now I guess. I thought I was doing so much better, but then when I really sat down and looked at what I have been doing these past few months, I was just throwing myself at keeping busy and just passing time.
I don’t want to be like that anymore. I just don’t know any different right now.
Yep, I’m a mess.
It is ok for you to be a mess right now. You are still so early in your grief. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself! It is truly ok if the best you can do is get you and the kids dressed each day. It took me almost 6 months after Gage died to “wake up” and realize that Emily needed more from me. It was so hard to get us ready to go out and go somewhere, knowing that there would be babies that would remind me of Gage out there. I know you have heard this a thousand times, but grief truly is like waves of an ocean. You will be doing “ok” and then WHAM, a wave will knock you down and set you back days, or even weeks. And while this is painful and terrible and yucky, it is “normal.” I think you did the right thing by taking a break from school. Your mind, heart and body need time to adjust to everything you have been through. As always, I am here for you!
I like Mary’s words of wisdom. I also think it is so good that you put your Master’s studies on hold. The work of grief is way, way, way more than enough for the time being. And it will likely take a long time.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)
Panic attacks are the worst… I suffer from them myself. I think it is important that you remember that you are still in mourning and not expect too much from yourself. When I went through a very rough time in my life, my dad would always encourage me by talking about the things that I had been able to accomplish, rather than focusing on how much I felt incapable of doing. I don’t know if this is even making sense, all I wanted to tell you is that I am in awe of how much you are doing. Focus on that and forget all the rest…
Carrie, I know its way overwhelming for you and maybe you should take this time away from your studies to get focused on you and your family and LMHF. I know the pain of losing a child and it never goes away it gets easier but never goes away. I have been following your page since i read your sweet lil girls obit and at times I too cry along with you (here at work too). You are such an inspiration and I KNOW Lil Miss Hannah is smiling down at you and feeling proud that she has a Mommy like you. Your family is truely blessed with a warm loving strong woman! You are on my heart girlfriend and I know you will succeed!
Dear Carrie, when I first read that you were doing a masters degree KNOW I thought you were joking. I think it is the American way, work work work and don’t have any time to think. But this is no real way to overcome real life matters!
NOW I meant
glad you are taking a leave of absence…no need for that additional stress now. glad you cried and made that decision for YOURSELF! Look at you girl! When I see you saturday I am going to first hug you till you pee, then punch you…you are so friggin hard on yourself! It has been 3 months, not 3 years! Do your best. whatever that is on that day at that moment. Let’s try to have a carefree MOMENT when I am there. love you!