“Time to Move on”

I went to the parents bereavement support group tonight, and one of the topics that was brought up for discussion is outside people saying things like “it is time to move on now” or “you need to move on.”  As if the death of a child is just something you “do,” like changing jobs or moving to a new state.

You just don’t say “Okay, that is over now so I will start fresh” when you lose your baby.

I HATE those phrases, with a passion.

I have even heard it in my own situation with Hannah.   As if Hannah was just a “phase” in my life, and now it is time to “move on.”   Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be mean sounding, but hearing something like this stings my heart.

From a parent’s bereavement website:
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

I guess I’m in my “anger” phase right at this moment.   I’m angry that Hannah is gone.  I’m angry that I don’t have Hannah right next to me, cuddling in my arms.  I’m angry that some people think I should just “get over it” and “move on” as if it is so easy to just turn off my feelings and close “that” chapter of my life.  I’m angry about things that I can’t even post about but I know I am justified to be angry about.

Even though I feel I am handling things pretty well since Hannah passed away just two months ago, I know I am still grieving.  I am still feeling lost in what my role is supposed to be now that I am not doing my favorite job in the world, being Hannah’s primary caretaker and lovey.    Sometimes I feel like I am not grieving enough for her, and I feel guilty for that.   It is all confusing, but I know that in time I will work it out.

But don’t tell someone who is grieving the loss of their baby that it is “time to move on” and “get over it.”

For me, I will never “get over it.”  I will learn to adjust to my life without my daughter, and I will learn how to be able to have fun with Ethan and Abby at activities I know Hannah would have liked.   I will learn how to cope with the birthdays and holidays I won’t be able to celebrate with Hannah, and I will learn how to cope with the anniversary of her death.

But I will never “move on” from my life when Hannah was alive.   Even with all its complications because of her medical condition, my life with my three children was truly a WONDERFUL life.

I will just learn how to move through life differently but I will always, ALWAYS, carry Hannah with me in my heart.  She will always influence the actions I take in my life.   I know that I will think about her every single day of my life, and if I miss a day or two, I know that will be okay.    I know that it will not be smooth sailing and there will be rocky periods, but I also know that in time the waves will become less rocky and I will be able to enjoy the water again and learn how to maneuver when the waves come.

I can also admit that I’m still in really rocky waters right now.   I’m so thankful for Hannah’s foundation to be able to focus some of my grief towards something positive, something that will keep Hannah alive in people’s hearts even if she can’t be here with me, cuddling my heart.

But if there is anything that I can enlighten the world with it is just let people grieve on their own time frame when they lost a child.  Never, ever mention that it is “time to move on” or “get over it.”    Just don’t.   Unless you walk in our shoes, you have no clue whatsoever.   Really, no clue.

I’m just thankful that the overwhelming majority of people in my life understand this.  But as always, it is just those few bad apples that leave a sour taste in your mouth that makes your stomach sick and your heart ache.

Yep, I would classify this as the “anger” stage that I am feeling right now.