In search of my missing piece

I saw this news piece tonight about a teenager who passed away.  The mom of this girl (who has two other kids) made a comment that just hit me to my core…

“I’m just trying to find a new normal without having the missing piece of our 5-piece puzzle.”

That is EXACTLY how I feel.  I’m trying to figure out this new life when all I want is to get my missing piece back!

I read my friend Sarah’s blog tonight, and even though Hannah hasn’t been gone as long as Cooper has, I can relate to every…single…thing she feels.   I could have written almost every sentence of her post.

I’m still feeling very lost at times.

I tried to get my old job as a medical transcriptionist back (I still want to work from home for Ethan and Abby).  I did it for five years before I had to go on bedrest when I was pregnant with Hannah.  My old company offered to bring me back on…if I passed the test.  I tried…I just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it.  I spent 2 hours on three 2-1/2-minute dictations, and I just could not get it.  It was as if my mind couldn’t process it anymore.   I felt defeated because it was something I was so good at a few years ago.  But I guess I’m just too rusty.

Dropping my masters courses was a good thing.  I do feel like there is a big weight lifted off my shoulders right now, even if it is only for 60 days (or I have to drop out completely).  I was thrilled though that I got a 97% on my previous class though.

Putting together the Little Miss Hannah Foundation is so much more complicated than I ever imagined.  It is truly setting up a brand new corporation and business structure!   There is just SO much that needs to be done and in so many directions.  I really just want to get to the point where we can start getting involved with families, doing what I know in my heart  is Hannah’s legacy, but there is just all these other important projects that must be done before we even get to that.

You know, it is hard knowing that I need to figure out a new “normal” life for me when I am fighting so dang hard wishing Hannah was back with me.  I don’t want a new normal, and I may be childish, but I feel like throwing myself down on the ground and throwing a tantrum yelling “I don’t wanna do it!”

When I am alone in bed or on the couch, I try so hard to remember how it felt to cuddle with her.  Trying to remember where she put her arms and legs on me.  Trying to remember how her skin felt and how she smelled.  It is getting harder and harder to remember now.   Trying to remember her smile!

I find myself looking for pictures of her lying on me just so I can at least see how she was even if I can’t feel her anymore.

Just sucks.