Such an amazing smile
I belong to this grieving mothers board, and there was a topic about moms who have had dreams about their children they have lost. So many moms have had dreams where they felt their child was visiting them or in the dream their child was alive.
Where can I get these dreams?
I have had only two dreams with Hannah in them since she passed. I can’t even call them dreams, as they were really nightmares. The first one happened the day after Hannah passed away, and I woke up completely panicked by it. I can still recall the details of this nightmare so vividly…it was such a simple happening but terrifying. One of those dreams that I knew what it meant.
The other nightmare was a week after that. I don’t remember much about it anymore, but I know it was during that time after she had passed away and before they hospice transport came to pick her up.
Since then, nothing. I have always had some crazy and funky dreams. You would think I would be ripe for these type of dreams.
I want so badly to have a dream with Hannah in it. I want to have one of those warm and comforting dreams where I get to spend some more time with her, even if it is just in the dream. Just to see that smile of hers. That intoxicating, heartwarming, and bright smile.
Just one dream with her in it, being happy. That’s all I want.
Dear Carrie,
First I would like to express my sincerely felt condolences to you and your family. I haven’t written to you since last November. Then things seemed to have stabilized and I was truly hoping for that little Hannah will hold that stabilized condition over Christmas and the new year. When I first got back on your site early this year, it was a sad reading I found. I just did not want to believe that the time has come for what I was hoping it wouldn’t yet. I felt your pain and sadness with you. I am so glad you got to hold Hannah in her last moments here on Earth. You gave her that last secure feeling before she started on her new journey with the angels. She went right from your safe arms to the safe arms of angels.
The Minnie Mouse funeral with balloons was beautiful. Your description of all the events was such that I could almost felt as if I were there. I admire you for having found the energy to keep up the blog even during the most difficult times. To be able to write and stay focused and reflect on both events and express your feelings accurately takes a special person. That is you Carrie!
I don’t believe in tattoos, but I liked yours. I am nobody to judge, but I think it is appropriate. This is something that is worthy to be with you for the rest of your life.
I’m not sure what I could say to take the sorrow away. I don’t think I can. Hannah was with you for way too few years, but we knew from the beginning that it was going to be maybe two maximum three years. At least you’ve gotten the longest possible time with her that was biologically possible. And even if her time was short, the impact she made is tremendous! Millions have gotten to know her and love her, millions have become familiar with Gaucher’s disease, and millions care about you.
As for commenting dreams:
I planned on to be with my loved one when she died, but three nurses got there before me and notified me just a few minutes too late. This happened now over three years ago and I am still hurt by it that I was denied that opportunity. Therefore I am so glad that you were able to hold Hannah in her last moments.
I did have a dream about her some weeks after she passed away. And it was not good. I still remember it, and when I think of it, the same uneasy and confusing feelings come back, like a bizarre picture that has burnt itself into my mind. My dream consisted of seeing her in her little soft beige angora sweater that she loved, so I ran to her, with the same energy and enthusiasm and love as always, to hug her and feel her. I said euphorically how much I love her and how happy I was to see her, but hugging her felt like hugging a wax figure and she didn’t hug me back, and didn’t say a word. Didn’t smile, didn’t look at me. When alive, she always looked at me and tried to smile even when it was hard and painful. I don’t know what to do with this dream, this is the only one that happened, no other. Actually, I am a little bit afraid of more such uncomfortable dreams, but somehow, I think, I would still welcome them.
On the other hand there were some other pleasant things about her memory that made me smile and even if for just a second warmed my heart. For example, unexpectedly, her favorite song coming on the radio made my thoughts relax and some positive feelings came all over me. The same happened when unexpectedly I found one of her books behind a bookshelf. Reading through it was just extra nice. Maybe something nice like that will happen to you also. Dreams can perhaps come when you are awake and surprise you through a sound, something you see, or smell. That will be pleasant and perhaps able to make up for the lack of nice dreams at night.
Carrie, the memory of your beautiful little girl will live in the hearts of all who cared about her and through your foundation will find even more people to be acquainted with. I wish you and your foundation success to achieve all the goals you see for yourself.
I care about you,
Anna