Abby's flower for Hannah's Garden
I have been a grief funk for days now.
It started back on May 3rd, knowing that it was coming up on five months since Hannah passed away. Five months.
It…has…not…become…any…easier…
Seriously, it hasn’t. We have become more used to this new lifestyle that does not include Hannah’s physical presence with us, but there is an obvious void in our house without her here. We talk about her all the time, especially Abby and I.
But now with Mother’s Day coming up…what I would give to just be able to avoid this day altogether. There is no celebration in my heart.
I couldn’t protect Hannah. I couldn’t protect Ethan and Abby. Even though my head knows I did all I could, my heart feels so defeated.
It isn’t fair to Abby and Ethan. Abby is so proud that Mother’s Day is coming up. She is using her own money to buy flowers from the school fundraiser so we can plant it in “Hannah’s Garden.”
Since Hannah passed, I have wanted to put a memorial garden in our backyard that I can see from my office window. But I have yet to do it for whatever reason. Abby has wanted to add a rock garden to it where our family and friends can paint rocks reminding them of Hannah, and we can have them all together. Last weekend, my in-laws bought us a bougainvillea tree to be a highlight in Hannah’s garden.
I feel horrible for wanting this holiday to just disappear. It really just reminds me that one of my children is no longer here with me. I feel like an incomplete and heartbroken mother, and that isn’t something I want to celebrate.
So this weekend, on Mother’s Day, we are finally going to start putting together Hannah’s garden. I’m so thankful that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are so willing to “celebrate” this day by being with us as we do it.
Abby snuck $5 of her allowance money in her backpack for school today. She wants to buy five more plants for me for Hannah’s garden.
I just got to get through this weekend…
You are an amazing mother and even with this holiday approaching I can tell you that you should let yourself celebrate because you deserve it. The way you are ALWAYS there for your family that is what a mother does. You did everything you could for Hannah & continue to keep her memory alive & her death not to be vain. I know it’s difficult I for one like to skip over this holiday being without my mother but I have learned over the years to celebrate her so I say celebrate & know Hannah will be there with you helping you make it through the day. *Hugs*
This will be the most painful Mother’s Day. You’re “celebrating” it in a great way. Not only are you honoring Hannah’s memory, but you’rw allowing Abby and Ethan to honor and celebrate their amazing mother!
In the coming years Mother’s Day will be bittersweet. At least mine always are. Love you.