Dealing with the nights

July 4th is coming up…

To me, it marks one year since Hannah was able to enjoy her last holiday with us.   She was still smiling, still very interactive, and she was very intrigued with the fireworks in the sky.   Just a couple of months later, her health would deteriorate so horribly.

To me, it also marks seven months since she passed away.

The nights are still so very hard for me.  Yeah, I take something to help me fall asleep, and I usually am asleep by midnight or so.   But before then, I try to read, play games on her iPad, anything to try and keep my mind busy.

But then the moments come where my heart takes over my head…it is hard.  I look at her pictures constantly.  Watch her videos.

I miss her so much.  I am desperately trying to remember what she smelled like, how her skin felt…how it felt to have her hand holding mine.

The memories of those little things are getting harder and harder to remember, and it is killing me.   The pictures and the videos and the memories just aren’t enough sometimes.

I want her back.  I want her back so bad.

I keep having to remind myself…she is gone.  Gone.  There is no way to bring her back to me.

At night, when I think of her, I will find that I have tears in my eyes, not even realizing that I was that emotional.

Almost every night, I ask her to come into my dreams.  To let me see that she is okay.  To be able to spend some time with her, even if it is in a dream.  But it has yet to happen.

I hate that it is getting harder and harder to remember all those little things about her.   I wish I took so many more pictures and videos of her … of those little things.

Forget the videos and pictures.  I just want her back.