Bring on the pain

Hannah may not have been able to eat the candy, but that did not stop her from eating the wrapper with the candy inside! Oct 2010

The kids go back to school in 11  days.    This was such a crazy summer, and it was very much our most frugal one ever.  But we are almost there.   We did have some great times like visiting with friends in Northern California and Reno plus lots of shows on fillaseat.com as well as taking in some fun community activities.  The kids are completely tan thanks to all the swimming at my inlaws house and other friends houses.  Abby and I did quite a bit of mommy-school to help get her prepared for third grade.   And we can’t forget our LMHF inaugural event which was, by far, the biggest thing we did this summer.

So much different than last summer.

This time last summer, we were still fighting for Hannah.  Driving to Los Angeles  to meet one of the top movement disorder specialists in the country.   Never would have thought a few months after that visit, Hannah would be gone.

For me, the nights still suck, the meds I am taking still take a few hours to kick in.    But it is almost like a willful punishment because I want so much to remember Hannah, trying to remember the little things that are slowly disappearing from my memory, wanting to relive the times that she was here ~ remembering what it was like to feel whole again.

Her death has left such a massive hole in my heart, my life.   But I would rather feel the pain and get to be with her, even in memories, than not think about her at all.   That old saying – better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…so true.

The love I have for Hannah is … there are no words.

 

Comments

  1. People have asked if I will ever “get over” losing Gage. Of course the answer is a huge NO, but more than that I would not want to “get over” Gage. The pain reminds me that he was here, he was real, and he will always be my son. The pain helps, in a weird way, remember that there were plenty of happy moments. I am so very sorry you are still not sleeping well. I am taking three meds to help me sleep and luckily they are working. I absolutely cannot wait to meet you next month! I just told Emily about you and that I was going to give you the biggest hug anyone has ever given:) Always thinking of your family, Mary