Dealing with the Triple A’s

Anger – Anxiety – Abandonment.

My triple A’s.

I’ve been missing Hannah a lot this week.  Some of it is because the kids started back to school, and I keep going back to how so damn close we were getting Hannah into school.  Ethan and Abigail were so incredibly excited to have their little sister at the same school with them.  She was to start school the week after she first was admitted to the hospital back in September last year.

Instead, we brought her home three weeks later … knowing that her body was failing her … knowing that we couldn’t fight anymore for her … knowing that the deterioration of her brain from the Gaucher’s was causing her unbearable pain and irritability … knowing she was so unhappy and uncomfortable …

Knowing that she was going to die.

There is still a rawness that I feel when I think about her sometimes.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  The “sharp knife of a short life.”   It mostly happens when I am alone and find myself zoning off thinking about her.   It is just this overwhelming, crushing feeling in my chest.  I don’t even realize that I have tears on my face until they are rolling down my cheek.

My triple A’s.  I can’t say they are all brought on because of my grief.  Some are.  There are other forces at play here, other people and situations in my life.  That is where I am at now.

Angry, feeling abandoned, and sometimes not feeling like I have both feet firmly on the ground knowing what direction I am going.

Despite feeling this way, I’m very proud that I am doing this all my way.  My way with the complete love and support of my husband and kids.  I don’t care how other people think I should be handling my situation.  I don’t care how other people may not agree with the decisions I make for myself and my family right now.  There is some relief of stress when I came to the realization that the judgement of others on how I should grieve, “move on,” etc., should not and will not play any part in my grieving process.  I can’t change how other people think, and I don’t have the emotional energy to try to get them to understand what I am going through.

Doesn’t make those triple A’s go away though.

Comments

  1. Kelley says:

    I don’t know how to help you deal with your triple A’s either — and I’m sure there are so many other letters that are encompassing you too. You’re always on my mind and Hannah is in my heart, though. If it’s any encouragement, I think think you are doing important things, healing things, far-reaching things. Though not one of those things is going to bring you what your heart desires, I hope that the difference you’re making for so many will bring you a degree of peace as you travel down this road that most of us could never even imagine.

  2. I think you are handling things Amazingly well. (another A) You have exhibited so much courage and grace. You are my hero. Each of us has to find our own path thru this journey. No one has the right to critique you or your decisions.

    Much love….

  3. I think and I could be completely off the reservation (I usually am ha)
    I think grieving is like birth and death . You never know when it is truly coming oh you might know it’s going to come but it still blind sides you . As with all things grief is personal, private and is handled differently by eachnone who encounters it. My advice is this be kind to yourself don’t follow what people say you should do but follow your heart. I have read all about her and miss Hanna IS amazing I just wish I could be lucky enough to know her

    Shelley

  4. Carolyn says:

    Oh yes, Carrie, you are moving on. The world just keeps turning and you’re here and your baby isn’t. Nobody, but nobody, should tell you when, where and how to grieve. I cannot fathom people having the audacity to suggest that you should not be in grief. Their’s are hearts of stone. Your’s is a heart of love. And that love will bring healing over the days, weeks, months and years. And that love will bring laughter. But it will also always bring longing for the precious Hannah and for the things that you didn’t get to enjoy and celebrate because she died so young. It may hurt but I totally believe your “heart of love” is where it’s at!
    Carolyn (in Las Vegas)