Ladybug costume & DNR

The kids wanted to break out the Halloween decorations today.   It had always been a big thing when we lived in Texas, and the kids love to do up the front of the house.

I had absolutely no interest.

While going through the boxes in the garage, Abby found one of Hannah’s old costumes.  It was the ladybug costume she wore when she was about 15 months old.   Hannah and Abby were matching ladybugs that year — and Abby was so proud of that!

She brought the costume into the house to show me, prefacing it with “this is going to probably make you happy but also cry.”  Does my daughter know me or what?  Sure enough, seeing that tiny little costume just hit me in the heart.

I remember her wearing it.  I remember that year being disappointed because I only got one picture of her in the costume and she was with all the kids.  I can’t remember anything else about that Halloween with her.

Since she brought the costume in, I just haven’t been able to shake off this sadness.   I’ve been awake and teary-eyed all night since Robert went to sleep.  I can’t sleep.

Then I looked at my blog from last year.  Something I seem to do more lately now that we are getting closer to the date I am dreading so much…

October 14th … the hardest decision we have ever had to make in our lives.   The decision to stop fighting for my sweet daughter’s life, to accept that we were going to lose her sooner than later.

It was the day that my husband and I realized our baby girl was going to die, and that there was nothing left we could do to save her.