How am I going to do this?

Halloween 2010 – she loved picking out pieces of candy (although she never ate them – she held them like toys!)

I am having the hardest time trying to psych myself up for the upcoming holidays.

I used to love the holidays so much!  Decorating the house, putting out the decorations…we did it all from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas and Hannukah.

The kids and Daddy did the Halloween decorations this year.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I saw the stuff around the house but, I don’t know.  My heart just is not into it.

We went trick or treating with family, and the kids had fun.   We brought Hannah’s Minnie Mouse with us, and I held it while we walked.  I thought about Hannah at least a dozen times.   Missing her, wishing she was with us that night with her brother, sister, and cousins.  But most of all, I was constantly think about how she only had one year of really experiencing Halloween and she was too young to even enjoy it.   How she was robbed of those experiences.

And now we have Thanksgiving coming up.

Last Thanksgiving was spent with Hannah completely drugged and sedated because she was suffering so much.   Our family all hung out in the family room (which was where her bed was), and she was constantly being held in someone’s arms.  Mine, her nurse, her grandparents, her aunt and uncle…constantly being loved.

Thanksgiving 2010

This year, she is gone.   It is really killing me.

The plan was to go out of town this Thanksgiving with family, and I was very excited to get away for this holiday.  Even though we’d be celebrating together, it would be “away.”

Then we found out today that plans had changed.  Because there was no snow where we were going, we had to cancel this trip (can’t go sledding on dirt!).

It hit me much harder than I thought it would.  I became quite down and I realized that I NEED to get out of town for Thanksgiving.  Just to get away and do something different like we had originally planned.

So my wonderful husband and I decided that we are going to take the kids up to Laughlin for Thanksgiving Eve night, hang out by the river, and then have breakfast in Laughlin before driving back home and spending Thanksgiving dinner with family.

It is hard to explain…this need to do something different during these holidays.    And I know that there is a sense of “not being fair” because traditions are traditions.   But I have this drive to create new traditions that recognize that things are different because Hannah is not here.

We still have 6 more weeks or so to go.  I wish I could just ignore the holidays, I really do.  But I can’t.  I will continue to put on my brave face for my friends, family, and kids.

And my heart will continue to break a little bit more each day because my love, my baby girl is gone.


  1. Your heart will continue to break a little bit each day, but E and A will also help. You’ll eventually find joy again in holidays thru them. It’s been less than a year, give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself. Love you.