Vivid Memories from One Year Ago Today


December 4, 2011

Hannah passed away at 10:10 pm on Sunday night, December 4th, in my arms after a weekend surrounded by all of her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and good friends.

Hannah ready for this holiday

Today was the one-year mark since Hannah passed away.   I don’t know what word you would call it – I don’t like “angelversary” because any “versary” sounds like a happy achievement.  This is anything but.

I tried so hard to make today be “just another day.”   But for the past few weeks, leading up to today, it has been tearing at my heart.

One year.

I can’t stop reliving that last night.   It is so vivid still, as if it just recently happened.  I wish the memories of her last night would not be so strong.   It is not how I want to remember her, yet I can’t seem to stop reliving it in my mind.     That night was so emotionally exhausting…

My daughter died.  In my arms.  I saw the signs of her body start to shut down … and then she was gone.   She was physically still there, but her soul, her spirit was gone.  Forever.

I held her for an hour or two after she passed, maybe shorter, I can’t remember.  I had such a difficult time letting go of her when the hospice came to take her away.  I don’t think I realized then that I would never, ever see her again.

I took today off from work.  Spent time at the cemetery getting her grave ready for the holiday and polishing up her marker so it is clean and shiny.  Cried…a lot.

I was hoping that after a year it would be easier, and perhaps in some ways it has because I have been able to put up a good face in front of people.

I’m so terribly sad.   I miss her so much.   I need her back.   She truly made me whole… and now I feel forever broken hearted.



  1. Tracy says:

    A woman on a blog i follow calls the anniversary of her daughter’s death her “remembery.” It seems more well suited to the task. Big hugs to you, sweet Carrie and family. Words simply fail to be big enough every single time.

  2. MIssy says:

    Praying for you and your family… Everyone tells me that each year it gets easier but it has been two years since we lost my brother and it still feels like yesterday and hurts as much as it did the day it happened. I cannot imagine the pain you carry with you… all I can hope for you is that the good memories fill you with peace

  3. Chuck Goodman says:

    Hoping the day was no too hard! You have done so much good in the last year and I hope you can take a minute and focus on that too. I cannot even imagine the pain and emptiness. Just wanted you to know I often think of her too!
    Sending love and prayers from me and my family!